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Blowing of steam

Dear George,

Ive had quite a few slaps the last two weeks and Im really really tired of having no one who is sympathetic to anything that bugs me.  So Im writing to lay it all at your feet.  I'll try and keep it sarcastic so you get some enjoyment out of it :)

My neighbour likes asking me if Im going through the change  OMG  Doesnt it get old (excuse the pun)?  Every time we cant take all the BS that our friends and family dump on us... we are hormonal  Gosh would that hold up in court?  might be something to think about

So Im in this little group and its kind of nice to drop in and say hello each day.  Then for some reason a couple of mums lose their minds and we have a couple of 12 year olds on board now.  Then I get taken out cyber wise because Im talking to someone who the group cant kick out... but who is apparently sending personal messages of hate to someone... well it isnt me and Im not aware.  Did you get that?  Ive never sent any kind of hate mail in my life to any of these people.  I may be a dope but it is all out in the open for all to enjoy / roll their eyes at.  And I respond to this lady and I think we are having a bit of a chat.  And WHOP Im slapped.

Quick smart you realise that cyber space is just another world where people are two faced and unable to cope with the truth.  Well of course that is a generalisation but George I dont need even handedness today thanks.

Unable or unwilling to logically debate or even discuss subjects women (yep its a day for generalisations) put themselves in little groups, quickly judge who is worthy, and then peck, peck away.  

I just want to make note that Im not worried or offended if someone wants to can God but holy Moses.... Im not allowed to say that we shouldnt listen to quacks on either side of the debate... if we are deciding on child immunisation... we should keep it personal and we should visit our own medical professional before we decide.  Crickey... that's effin controversial aint it?

So Im feeling a bit lonely and a bit shattered.  And that is crappy because Im usually happy in my own skin and I like what I do and what I make.  And I like people... but OMG I hate people.

And where can I go were effin children are NOT.  Where can I go where I can say what I like and talk about what I like...?  I mean I cant get on there and have a bit of a whine about my teenager.... there are preteens reading.  

$20 and 3 packets of different stockings / tights for school and I just cant get it right.  Well my girl... you have put on too much weight but I cant say that, Im buying the stockings / tights that I think you are asking for / in the biggest sizes available and its costing me a truck load of money that Im not complaining about.  So if they arent to your liking perhaps you would like to go and look at the mass of product that really at the end of the day only gives you 2 choices.  You go and be delighted to find the right colour only to find that they only have small.  What is that you dont have time?  oh really.  MMmmmmm well mummy is finishing your maths while you are playing Minecraft.... let's see. Do you in fact have time?  

OK George that is me done.  Thanks for listening.

The whole house is crap so Ive got to go get it sorted.  Yes it's my fault but Ive been organising and moving things.... doing another spring clean... so it wont take long to put right because Ive actually done heaps.

Ive got quilts that are ordered that arent finished.  I havent been in my email for a while 'cause I can get what is there and I dont have the balls to go see.  So Id better get sewing so I can send emails that say.... will you be home 'cause Im posting out.

How am I going to get a job George?  3 kids and no one helps and Ive got the yard and veggie garden and lawns that go on forever?

What is my life going to end up meaning George?   When can I say what I want to say George?  when is it ok to be yourself?

M.

a bit bored and a bit tired....

well after a final marathon sewing session of around 14 hours straight (except for preparing 2 meals).... baby hand quilting quilt bound and sent off with my sister on route to the baby it was made for!!

wow the next day I had to take pain killers because I had pain and numbness at the same time from finger tips to elbow.. even up to my shoulder

and now Im feeling like my eyes are wanting to take a break from the world for a couple of days... and Im really flat

I thought I would be so excited that it was finally done...

the whole thing is weird isnt it?

Day by day

 Sitting next to her male friend she grins.  Holds out her hand for some loose change. 
"You've had your allowance.  This is housekeeping dollars..... you know that. " I say
"And you dont know how much money I have" she says.

Ive got a pretty tight rein on things.  She gets her allowance plus a little more.  She cant have that much because she is a typical 16 yr old and money slips through her fingers.  But it isnt how much money she has that bothers me.  

Somewhere in many day to day little conversations there is a suggestion made that she has secrets from me.  And I try to shrug it off.  Never to pay back with a snide comment.  But it hurts.  It hurts because I dont understand the need.  Yes I understand she is becoming her own woman with her own thoughts ideas and secrets.  But she isnt sophisticated enough yet to know anything about herself or life that I dont know about.  Im not sure what day, hour, minute it was when I become the enemy.  Perhaps the day she began menstruating.  It feels that animal.  That basic.  

Thoughts hurt my heart.  I remember her eyes welling up with tears at times in her life when Ive surprised her and got the gift just right.  Or when Ive told her how proud of her I am.  I remember tying shoe laces and folding down little lace top socks.  A chubby little hand that used to look for mine.  The hand that always wanted to hold mine.  The big blue eyes, the milk white skin and the rose petal lips.  

And it means nothing but my immature brain has its little list of why she shouldnt shut me out.  Ive saved her beautiful curls many a time from the hairdresser's scissors.  Patiently conditioned and unmattered those springy ringlets that are still there on her neck underneath the blonde hair dyed black recently.

Ive spent hours at swimming pools and parks simply for her squeals of enjoyment.  Supported her at school against very scary teachers.  Talked her through hours of homework and music practice.  Resourced information and images for school.  Consoled her over girls that suddenly decided they didnt want to be her friend.  Played Barbies.  Rescued toys and books.  Made things for dress ups and projects with nearly no notice.  

But another side of my brain is packing up tightly the nurturing kit.  She simply doesnt need anymore than what Ive taught her.  Now its her time to rise or fall.  She must act based on what she knows and live through the consequences.  I can soften the fall and reassure her of my love.  But the teaching is done for the time being.  

People say she will come back to me and want a close friendship with her mother.  I honestly dont know how easy it is all going to be to unpack again.  it seems for the moment that she feels she owes me no respect, no loyalty, no love, no kindness.  I hope I can let her back in if she wants that in the future.  Im a pretty tough old bird and Im not sure once Ive closed the door to my heart that anything will open it again.  It just hurts too much.  And she has had her share of me.  No matter how far I retreat to allow her space she keeps pushing me even further away.

Frankly.  I miss her.

KINDRED SPIRITS

I wonder if Im ever going to have more than 1 kindred spirit.  Thank goodness for the one.  The news of my week: people let you down.

Im a bit tired of being gracious and kind.  Isnt it bad enough that Im ugly, old, poor, have no sex life or mortgage?  No dental, no life insurance?  I suppose it is with the benefit of life experience that you settle down, accept that you arent perfect, try to correct key elements in your own personality, and generally accept that others are flawed but still deserve understanding and forgiveness even from time to time.

I feel it only fair to warn the world in general that I dont see me being so easy going after Im 50.  In fact I can see myself being quite the classic crow.  

It might be children and it might be financial hardship... taking its toll on me.  But I suspect that it is also that Im really tired of people figuratively kicking me in the head.  Im a damned fine human being with a brain.

I dont like being ignored, I dont like being pushed aside and I dont like being made to notice that I being ignored and pushed aside.

Is that a feather?
Hi to all.  Wow.  I just got back on here and started to find you all and now the Round Robing page has disappeared.  Well, I was away far too long but that is life.  Please spread the word around that a couple of posts down from here, is a link to photobucket with a growing number of our tops displayed.

My e-mail is mountinsno@yahoo.com.au

Please, if you at all want to write to say hello, or you want a photo, or you want some help to find a friend... don't hesitate.

I gather quite a few people have gone over to Facebook.  So, I guess I'll see you around.  I'm sure we'll meet on another quilt website.

Take care,
Maretta. 

LIGHTEN UP!

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